Anxieties

Hello again!

Lately I’ve been really wanting to talk about my anxieties about study abroad, since they are building up the closer it gets to departure. Don’t get me wrong, I am so excited to leave and go on this journey, and excitement has been my overall attitude throughout this entire process. However, some days that excitement is a little subdued when I think about all my fears and anxieties about this experience.

Of course, there are so many things I worry about going wrong. In regards to just getting there, I’ve never flown by myself, much less flown by myself internationally AND non-direct. My plan is to fly from Phoenix to L.A., and then from there I will probably be flying through Hong Kong or Singapore, and then into Jakarta, Indonesia where my dad is currently working. After staying with him for a few days, he will fly up with me to Macau and get me settled, so I am so thankful he will be there to help me work out any problems I might face when I initially arrive.

Also, I am worried about settling into school life there. I am starting to worry about getting into the classes I want, since the English classes are limited in availability, and there are even fewer classes that transfer back to my university here in the states. Although I have filled out the course request paperwork and it was submitted weeks ago (they enroll for their classes a week before classes start), I still have that fear in the back of my mind.

Another fear is my roommate! I am going to be living with another international student, so they may be American, or they may be European or Asian or South American for all I know. We share the same room, like in a dorm, and knowing how difficult it is to live in that type of situation I do have my concerns about that as well.

And what will I eat?!? I love Chinese food…but I like “Americanized” Chinese food. I know it’s a completely different story when it comes to real Chinese food, and in Macau they have Cantonese cuisine, not Mandarin-style like what we’re used to in the USA. Macau cuisine is Cantonese food mixed with Portuguese food, which tends to be spicy. I don’t do spicy!!! My joke with my friends is that I’ll either eat only rice and get really skinny, or I’ll find the local McDonald’s and get really fat. Haha, we’ll see what happens with that.

Language barriers, like I mentioned in my previous post, are also a concern of mine. I read that 40% of the Macanese population speak English, but that means that a majority do not. Unfortunately, I do not know any Chinese, and that means that could potentially be a problem. What if I’m lost in the city and can’t read the street signs or can’t find someone to give me directions? What if I need help and can’t communicate what I need? My only consolation is that Portuguese is the other official language, and my background with Spanish may help me in translating that.

During my study abroad orientation it was explained to me the “emotional rollercoaster” that most exchange students feel during their semester abroad. At first you feel extremely happy because everything feels so new and exciting, and everyone treats you special because you’re so new to them too. After a few weeks feeling that, the “emotional rollercoaster” model predicts that you fall into a deep depression once the newness wears off for everyone and you begin to feel extreme homesickness. After that, things begin to level off, but before and after coming home you experience the same mood swings again. Being a rather emotional person, I worry sometimes that I may feel it to a larger degree than some, and I just hope I can learn to cope with it.

Most of my fears do not concern actually being in Macau, but being away from home and then coming back after so long. I feel in a way that by taking advantage of this fantastic opportunity to study abroad, I also have to sacrifice certain opportunities at home as well. Already the fact that I am going abroad has interfered with my life now, and it has gotten in the way of a few relationships I have with others.

I also worry about how things will be when I get back. I realize that I can’t expect everything to be the same when I get back, and that it won’t go back to the way things used to be just for me. Also, I know that I am going to be a much different person when I get back, and because of that and being away for so long, I wonder if I’ll be able to adjust to the way things are at home. In a way I feel like I’M the one being left behind, which doesn’t make sense since I’m the one doing the leaving. This is the part that confuses and worries me the most.

It feels at times like I have to drop everything at home to do this, but I just have to keep telling myself it will all be worth it in the end. I just need to remember why I’m doing this and remember that excitement that I feel everyday.

Sincerely,
Kati

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