A Life Wasted

On Tuesday, April 13, 2010 I witnessed a suicide that occurred next door to my apartment building. Although I did not see the man actually throw himself from the window, I saw the body immediately after the incident occurred.

The decision to write a blog entry about this particular experience wasn’t an easy one. In a way, it felt inappropriate and insensitive to be announcing something as awful as this all over the internet. It was a very horrifying experience, one that I will never forget, and after it first happened I could barely even speak about it. I still have problems describing the experience out loud. If I can hardly bring myself to speak about it, how could I even consider writing about it?

But as my father reminded me, this blog is all about my experiences here in Asia. Even though this incident could have happened anywhere in the world at any time, not just in China, it is a very defining moment of my study abroad experience. I feel I owe it to my friends and family, and perhaps also to myself, to share this experience with all of you. There is a valuable lesson that can be taken away from this experience. Even though this man tossed away his own life, his death should not be in vain and should serve as a reminder to the rest of us about living our lives to their fullest potential.

I was merely on my way to grab lunch from the bakery next door to my apartment before class. After weaving my way through the small crowd that was forming on the corner, I stumbled upon the body. I won’t go into the graphic details of the scene, but I will tell you that the image was horrifying and is permanently stuck in my mind. I was standing only feet away from the body, so the image is very clear and very detailed.

I also saw one of his family members come around the corner and find the body. She’d seemed completely unaware that this was going to happen, and upon discovery of her loved one she broke into hysterics. The cries of her shocked grief were the most awful sounds I’d ever heard.

My mind was completely in a state of shock, and I floated on a cloud of surrealism until I got back home. I’d taken the long way around the back, since I couldn’t bring myself to step any closer to the body. When I rounded the corner for the street to my apartment, I saw ambulances on the main road rushing away toward the city center. I finally arrived at the turn for my apartment, terrified of what I was going to see when I turned the corner.

But the body had been taken away, even though the crowd was still gathered. Emergency vehicles still remained, along with policemen on their radios. After standing on the steps of my apartment entrance for a few moments, where I had another clear view of the scene, I turned and made my way through the gate and up the elevator to my hostel, all the while in a state of complete shock.

My hand was shaking so bad that I could barely get my keys in the door. As soon I was inside, I rushed to my bedroom so I wouldn’t have to see any of my roommates. I threw my backpack to the floor and sat down at my computer. Even though it was late at night back in Arizona, I called home.

My dad picked up, and all I could manage to say before breaking down into tears was, “Dad, I saw a really terrible thing today.” I tried to explain what I’d seen, but I just couldn’t go into detail. He stayed on the phone with me for a while, calming me down, and finally I told him I would go and lay down for a while. He asked if I needed to see a counselor, but I considering that I was still in shock since it’d just happened I figured that wasn’t something to think about at the moment. He asked me to call him back in a few hours, even if it was the middle of the night.

I decided to skip my afternoon classes, admitting to myself that I was in no state for that environment at that moment. I crawled into bed with a box of tissues and wept until I fell asleep for the rest of the afternoon.

All I could think about was who the man was, and what could have brought himself to do such a thing. As my dad reminded me, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” I wondered why he hadn’t sought out help.

And the image of the woman crying for him made me upset. Why couldn’t he have considered his family before doing such a thing? And what about all the people that had gathered at the scene? What about the families at Kun Iam Temple, some of whom were making their first trip to Macau? What about the woman that had so bravely acted quickly to try to resuscitate him? And what about the people standing so close to the body, like me? Were they reacting as emotionally as I was?

My motto in life is to live to my fullest potential and be the best person I can possibly be. That’s why I’m here in Macau right now, trying to see the world and grow as a person in the short time I have on this earth. I can’t imagine throwing it all away, especially when I feel like there’s so much more left for me to discover.

Sure, times may seem tough, but there is always a way to get through it. If you’re in a state of mind where you feel like you can’t live like this anymore, seek help; don’t try to handle it on your own. Each person has something to offer the world, so don’t deny others the gift you have to give them. Think of your friends your family; suicide is selfish, and it only hurts others that care about you.

I believe every person is put on earth for a reason. To end one’s life prematurely is a waste of the precious gift God has given you.